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Thoughts

Uncensored Thinking

​So I guess this confusion never leaves huh ?
Its like we can never figure life out
Walking into the uncertainty of
tomorrow

Got so tired of worrying over and over
Got tired of seeking solace in the arms of this deceptive devourer

Time, stress, uncertainties

They cloud my mind 

Haunted by thoughts of tommorrow, and the next day, and the next day . .

But what’s the sense ?

We all die anyway

So I gotta start thinking about life like this . .

My life is the wall and my mistakes – the mural
My mind is the canvas and my thoughts are the paint


We choose what we wanna put on our walls
And I’m sure we can all attest to that 

Many times, all we keep doing is make a mess – we never fail 

Mess up our past, our present and try with all our might to make our future stay bright
 
But we still do it anyway

You know . .
 


Mess up

But ..
Isn’t that what makes life . . . Life ?

Flawed people making mistakes

Some GREAT some small

So do we sentence ourselves to condemnation and die ?

Or do we seek to find the good in all situations ?

Since we can’t control the future, since we can’t always fix these crazy mistakes.

Why won’t we free ourselves of all the burden and live ?

You see.

I heard of a Creator who knows all things.
He made the seasons and the times

He understands us

And His time isn’t like our time

So I wonder

If we should just lay all our burdens down for one day – by the side of the Creator, the Comforter, the Burden Reliever

Would we really still be haunted by these never ending mistakes ?

Really, would we 

Think about it . .

Blessings. Peace. Joy 

12:57pm

Thoughts

[Not Scared]

My mom is in an operation room right now, and I can’t do anything about it : except . . .

Fact : It’s hard to be away from someone you love dearly. I’ve been doing it for over 3 years since I moved to this country. I left my mom behind, my pride and joy, my friend, and there are times that I really miss her – times I wish I could be by her side. 

I’ve grown though. I’ve grown to accept what I can’t change, and this situation is just one of them. I can’t change the fact that my mom needs this surgery, as much as I can’t change the fact that I can’t be by her side at the moment. 

It’s just a part of life. Somethings we can’t control and we just have to leave these situations to the one who can. 

So, you know what ? 

I stopped being scared. God has taken me this far. He’s taken me thru dark alleys, deep valleys, lonely roads – the works ! And He’ll keep taking me.

Oftentimes it’s not God that fails in his promises [God never fails], it’s me and you who fail trust him [ I’ve been there]. But God is looking for one who will STOP. Above the noise, above the uncertainties of life, He wants us to trust Him. 

So I’ll keep praying, keep supporting her in every way I can. Even though I’m far away from her, God isn’t. He’s forever near. 

While I await her results, I’ll lay my head down in the arms of my Father. He’ll never leave or forsake me. 

Blessings. Peace. Joy

6:14 pm

women

Beauty Builders 

I see them everywhere I turn. Down the campus hallways, in the train stations, in the supermarket, at the park, on the beach, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook. 

Beauty Builders.

Girls who can’t stop looking at themselves on front camera, in the bathrooms, every mirror they can find. Every girl wants to look her best – some wanna look better than the other. The competition for the Beauty Building contest is fierce ! 

Talk about wanting to look good everyday ! And it’s not because I wanna look good for myself – it’s because I wanna make a statement.

HEY EVERYBODY ! I’M HERE AND I LOOK PRETTY GOOD ! 

I’ve seen so many women beginning to win the eyes and hearts of men with her clothes and outward appearance these days rather than with her inward beauty and poise.

 So much makeup (I have nothing against makeup – don’t get me wrong), clothes that do more to expose than it does to cover 🙁. Its sad. We’ve become a society where women’s beauty is now defined by the material things rather than the heart. 

So what’s the deal ? 

Certainly in my opinion, I think woman have forgotten their worth, we’ve forgotten that we’ve already been validated by God (Psalm 139:14) and we don’t need to be validated by the world’s standards. When God made us, He called us ‘good’ (beautiful, talented, all the wonderful things !) So we don’t need to stoop to the world’s standards. 

From a personal point of view, I write this now because I too had to deal with my own insecurities. Not feeling ‘pretty’ enough, feeling lonely because all my friends had partners but me !

I had to realise that, Hey ! In the right time, God will bring the right person along for me. God had to [He still is] fix me first ! Fix my insecurities, repair my shattered soul. I had to learn [still learning] everyday to appreciate who I am ! To appreciate the way God made me.

So I write to all you beautiful women out there. Yes you ! Stop listening to the lies and start believing God’s truth ! You are not an object to be shattered and abused by any guy who whispers in your ear (No offense guys). Wait on God’s timing.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ❤

It’s time to embrace who you are : Flaws and All !

Remember who first loves you. God does! He thinks you are to die for [literally], and He wants you to know that. 

Blessings. Peace. Joy.

– school daaze (thoughts unfolding)

5:40 pm

Thoughts

This delicate flower 

” The Lord told me to tell you that you have to want it – you have to want to be delivered, you have to want to be free. I want to fight with you, but you got to be desperate”

And I cried.

Everything I thought in my mind, she said. It was as if she was in my head. Yet, I knew it was the Spirit of God speaking through her, telling me everything about myself.

I couldn’t call his name. I couldn’t utter the precious name of Jesus out of my lips because I felt so unworthy. That’s it. I wanted to say his name. I wanted to call upon my deliverer, but everyone around me seemed to have it all put together. In my mind, all I could think about were my flaws, my shortcomings . . .

[Oh, you didn’t even fast right, you didn’t pray for more than 10 minutes, you didn’t witness to anyone today, you didn’t, you didn’t, just give up ! What kind of Christian are you ! You suck ! God is so disappointed with you ! God doesn’t love you ! You’re a failure !]

So how do you beat that voice in your head that tells you you’re nothing.

I’ve been in bondage for so long. My mind – captivated by thoughts of my own inadequacies, my own failures. I seem to fail to remember that His word says He would never fail nor forsake me.

Its not easy, to be a slave to your own mind. His word tells me that, “Who the son sets free is truly free”, so why am I still in chains ? The Enemy has told me to stop wasting God’s time. He has told me I’ll never be anything, He has used my weaknesses as my downfalls and I repeat the cycle of condemnation, though God’s word clearly the me that I am free from condemation ! [Romans 8:1]

I’ve been told so many times that I needed to stop being so hard on myself, yet, my perfectionism keeps getting the best of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


” God. I don’t wanna fail you ! “



So I tell myself that I’m a monster – that I don’t deserve God’s mercy – that I’m not on the same level with the other person so I’m not worth the effort.

It’s so much inside. So much that you wouldn’t recognize from the outside.

Then I finally get to call his name:

JESUS  ! 

JESUS  ! 

Like the woman with the issue of blood. If only I could touch the hem of his garment ! I will be made whole !

It’s hard to be vulnerable to your own mind. Shaken under captivity. But He knows. And I’m reminded that there is nothing that I’ve done [so wrong] that God won’t forgive me for.

I’m learning. It’s taking some time but I’m learning. I’m learning to truly embrace the true of Romans 8:1.

He tells me not to dwell on the shortcomings. He tells me not to compare myself to others. Not to dwell on my failures. He tells me, ‘He’s bigger than that’. He tells me that I shouldn’t force my level. Whatever level I’m on He’s right there with me. Cheering me on. He tells me to call his name. Anytime. He tells me, I’m good enough. He tells me, “Yes, you’re imperfect, but I’m going to use YOU.”

I’m learning. It may take me some more time. I have to let go off my own efforts. I have to surrender. I have to live, and if He’s with me – I will live. I will live, because He knows my heart and He cares.

Informal reflections (my story)

– 3:09 am

Uncategorized

Battles

War. 

What is life without it’s battles ? We all fight them. We are all in the same ring, fighting the same things and yet we manage to have our fights uniquely orchestrated. 

Our fights, Our battles, resembles who we are. 

I was never a fighter. Physically, I stayed far from war. Call me a ‘punk’ if you may, I saw no greatness in esteeming myself ‘badder’ than another person. To prove what ? To go where ? What was there to achieve in a physical battle. A bruised face, overused muscles, a battered heart – all in the name of ‘defense’. But, I’m learning something new about War. 

War cannot be avoided. You can’t ‘dodge the bullet’ on this one. You can’t choose when to war. You can’t sleep. You can’t take a break. You can’t turn your back for one minute and expect to win.

The war for your soul is real. The Enemy is real. Demons are real and they really fight you. 

I think it unfair, annoying, frustrating at times. WAR. For even if I fail to war, the Enemy never fails to proceed in his efforts to get me down, to knock me out of the ring. 

But – I go through it tired. I do have questions. Lots of them. And the fight never ends. Until you die. Though God is on your side, you can never shrug the feeling. You can never get rid of the bruises, the splinters, the deep cuts. 

The devourer continues to devour and the battle keeps going on. I know that my Father has the victory but can I make it. In the midst of my weakness; Will I make it ? The struggle is real; Will I make it ? The distractions are flirting its way in my life; Will I make it ? Will I truly push through this one, or will I give in ? Who is to tell-but me.

The battle is on, the battle is real. I should fight. I should push, I should refrain from distractions. I should, I should, but will I ?

Truly ? 

– feelings

2:17 a.m.