How is it that I can feel, sometimes, so distant &’ yet, other times, so close to you? How is it that in one moment I can overflow so much with broken praises &’ the next moment stop singing praises to you? How is it that I can be your greatest enemy (when I sin) &’ yet, your closest friend? How is it that after all my sin &’ shame, my disapproval and contempt for myself, my failure and the swift retreat into darkness, I can desire your love, your comfort, your embrace, your reassurance to then make me whole again?
This must be the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in. Isn’t it the same for you Lord? How is it that you can be angry and gentle at the same time?
How is it that you have such a firm and gentle grip on me, that even in the insanity and confusion of my thoughts, those thoughts that resound, “give up”, “quit trying”, “how many times will you go through the same thing”, “why bother?” – I’m still branded with your approval?
Sometimes Abba I hate that I can’t give up. Sometimes I really want to, but I just can’t. I can still feel that in your mercy, you’re still cheering me on. Broken down, tarnished as I am, I can still sense that I’m in your plan.
My mind may tell me that I should hide, but as your spirit whispers to mine, I know that I can only kneel, in surrender again, to your holiness and majesty.
I am Eve, uncovered before you Abba. I stand in my shame, but overcome by your grace.
Abba, you are the only unchanging one. The only one constant, the only one true. You are the only love sufficient to bind together the pieces of this heart
Thoughts in Pen 