kim_kimm

Dear Jesus,

Posted on February 21, 2021 by kim_kimm

How is it that I can feel, sometimes, so distant &’ yet, other times, so close to you? How is it that in one moment I can overflow so much with broken praises &’ the next moment stop singing praises to you? How is it that I can be your greatest enemy (when I sin) &’ yet, your closest friend? How is it that after all my sin &’ shame, my disapproval and contempt for myself, my failure and the swift retreat into darkness, I can desire your love, your comfort, your embrace, your reassurance to then make me whole again?

This must be the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in. Isn’t it the same for you Lord? How is it that you can be angry and gentle at the same time?

How is it that you have such a firm and gentle grip on me, that even in the insanity and confusion of my thoughts, those thoughts that resound, “give up”, “quit trying”, “how many times will you go through the same thing”, “why bother?” – I’m still branded with your approval?

Sometimes Abba I hate that I can’t give up. Sometimes I really want to, but I just can’t. I can still feel that in your mercy, you’re still cheering me on. Broken down, tarnished as I am, I can still sense that I’m in your plan.

My mind may tell me that I should hide, but as your spirit whispers to mine, I know that I can only kneel, in surrender again, to your holiness and majesty.

I am Eve, uncovered before you Abba. I stand in my shame, but overcome by your grace.

Abba, you are the only unchanging one. The only one constant, the only one true. You are the only love sufficient to bind together the pieces of this heart

Social Justice, Thoughts

I Can’t Breathe

Posted on June 7, 2020February 24, 2021 by kim_kimm

“Black Woman in America” by Laurie Cooper

I spent the last week pinned to an invisible ground, set in a choke hold, my breathe being cut off as I violently gasped for air, hollering for my mother with a voice muffled by the tears welling up from the river raging from my belly. The forecast, a dark cloud, heavy with lamentation, despair, pierced by the oppressor who reveled in my destruction, my face pinned to the ground, my tears watering a desolate earth, feeling my breathe shorten. In, out. Pause. In, out. “Mama”. In, out. “I can’t breathe”.

For the past week, I have been running on a gas tank past E. Everything in me, body, mind, emotions, spirit has altogether succumbed to state of lethargy. On Tuesday, I experienced a heightened anxiety attack, with the works of hyperventilation, racing thoughts and uncontrollable tears. I physically could not do anything and my attempts to quell this moment of what I considered weakness, by trying to respond to an email sent by one of my student’s parents was pathetically cut short by my inability to craft a simple, “sure, I’ll send over the work to you”.

On multiple occasions, I’ve deleted Instagram as one post after another read the messages of wanting justice for Floyd, ways to combat racial intolerance, black girl and black boy joy, internet trolls coming at Christian groups opposing racial injustice, celebrities speaking out, #supportblackbusiness, everyone going live to have conversation, an endless display of protest, arrests for protesting, police violently attacking protestors, the list goes on. Every part of my being was being consumed by anger, frustration, bitterness and complete and total exhaustion.

I am a black 22 year old woman, born and raised in the Caribbean. I immigrated to America at 15 years old, bringing my fears my experiences and my blackness with me. I knew of racism, I never truly experienced it myself growing up in the Caribbean. Classism, yes, racism, not so much, but I was aware of its existence, not so much understanding the twisted philosophies behind it. That to be born black in America meant that you were already at a disadvantage. You – no matter how healthy, how much education you acquire, how financially stable or geographical location – were already at a disadvantage, because privileged white America, white supremacist America, would perceive you as just another n***a.

For decades our ancestors, protested, fought, died so that black men and women could have the same inherent rights as any other person living in America and in 2020, we protest, we fight, we riot and we die at the hands of white supremacy. In 2020, the term “African-American” is still being weaponized by racist white women like Amy Cooper who dared be corrected by a black man. In 2020, doors are still being broken down without warrants and Breonna Taylor’s are still being shot down ruthlessly while no charges are being filed. In 2020, Ahmaud Arbery’s are still being hunted and killed because they happened to be black while jogging. And in light of this all, I have been faced with my own privileges being a black woman from the Caribbean, wanting to escape, wanting to jump on a plane and fly home, wanting to catch my breath and knowing that it’s possible for me to breathe one quick sigh of relief if I go to my own country for a while, but men like Eric Garner and Gerorge Floyd didn’t have the privilege of being released from a chokehold and a knee being pressed to his neck for almost 9 whole minutes.

Being black in America is exhausting. For the past week, I’ve felt as though a dark cloud has been hanging over my head. I have posted and prayed and donated and I continue to come up short. I continue to grapple with the question, what more can I do? I’ve spent nights waking up 2 and 3 times, unable to rest, unable to be.

We can’t be, we can’t breathe, we can’t live. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with it all, it’s a grueling command, that forces you to pay attention and not dare look away. It forces to do something, and we should, with all we have, we should fight and keep fighting. But after the war, what do we do. After the protest, the posting, the donating, the rioting, the tornado of emotions, what do we do? How many more times to do have to fight to be resilient before we burn out? Or are we so ablaze that our anger is resounding throughout the Earth.

Our throats are parched, but we won’t stop bawling.

Her Poetry

watching beneath:

Posted on March 7, 2019March 7, 2019 by kim_kimm

Beneath sable skies, guns fire shots heavy and quick

unto frightened breast

Tanks scream, warm tears stream, hungry for milk

of frightened breast, dripping with blood

Guns run wild, fire swings like monkeys from

thatched roofs, men beat their chest

So gray is the night that witness men drop dead asleep in mud

Tanks scream, warm tears stream, hungry for milk

of frightened breast, dripping with blood

Guns run wild, fire swings like monkeys from

thatched roofs, men beat their chest

So gray is the night that witness men drop dead asleep in mud

As her eyes sing sad songs to tanks

She wonders of her gun, doing away under

sable skies what it does

Who sent these guns to bloody our breast and muddy our men?

What eyes will sing sad songs to tanks?

Our land has burned, now learned of

guns that snag our laughing breast

Who sent these guns to bloody our breast and muddy our men?

Guns run wild, fire swing like monkeys from

thatched roofs, men beat their chest

Our land has burned, now learned of

guns that snag our laughing breast

Beneath sable skies, guns fire shots heavy and quick

unto frightened breast

– response to Robin Coste Lewis’: verga

Journey

Dear February..

Posted on February 11, 2019February 12, 2019 by kim_kimm

Hey Guys &’ Girls !’

Happy New (I think it’s a bit old now, but hey!) Year !

Jan 09-19

It’s Senior Year Y’all !!’

I’ve officially made it to my final semester in undergrad! (Yaaay !!) In a few months I’ll be graduating with my BA in English (that’s right!) and I’m beyond elated!

Then … there’s the issue 😧

You know that feeling when you’re close to the finish line and the odds suddenly just begin to come knocking at your door?

Yeah.

I’m currently in that boat.

After completing all my required courses, I have just one class holding me back – Spanish! Without this class, I can’t graduate in June ☹️, and I’ll have to stay back until December. December!

The worst (and best part): I’m in line for a teaching interview that, when admitted into the program, would automatically make me a New York teacher for special education.

So, what do I do now!?

To top it all off, I’m in debt y’all.

Yes, I currently owe my school over $1000.00 which needs to be paid by May.

No I don’t have that amount of money right now.

In all actuality, I was quite stressed about how I’d get that money to pay for school, knowing that if I can’t pay that money by May, I won’t be able to get my degree.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how I’m still waiting to be approved for a class waiver in order to graduate in June. Fact is, if I can’t get that class waived, I can’t graduate. Four years of undergrad to be held back for one class! No way.

In the midst of all this, somewhere, deep within me, I still have hope. Year 2018 was one of way too many worries, worries over great problems and insignificant ones, but this year, I have to change the way I look at things. Let’s face it. Having faith in God’s promises is at times easier said than done, especially in the midst of the chaos, when your at the finish line and your situation seems to be yielding nothing but barricades and misery. I have four months to satisfy my debt and one month to determine if I’m going to go on to graduation or be held back, but I’m holding on, in faith, refusing to lean on my own understanding.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I’ve been praying continuously and have seen God making ways out of no ways. As I continue to pray, I’ll continue to believe the best. Even though I’ve heard it said that it’s impossible to have that class waived, I choose to believe that God is able to do ALL things, for there’s absolutely NOTHING too hard for God.

“Jesus said to him, “[You say to Me,] ‘If You can?’ All things are possible for the one who believes and trusts [in Me]!””

‭‭MARK‬ ‭9:23‬ ‭AMP‬‬

As for the finances. I turned my worries – about how I’d find the money to pay for school – into a courageous act of asking for donations and in a matter of a few hours, I raised $750.00! This isn’t even the final amount, as I’m still awaiting donations from a few more people! I’ll have all that I need even before the due date!

““ Ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you; seek and keep on seeking and you will find; knock and keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.”

‭‭MATTHEW‬ ‭7:7‬ ‭AMP‬‬

No wonder God encourages us on so many occasions through His word to refrain from worrying and anxiety. An anxious heart cannot produce reasonable and godly decisions and actions. Worry clouds the mind and emphasizes unbelief. Keeping our hearts and minds on God’s promises is an act of humility. As we lay aside our concerns and surrender our cares to Abba, we invite Him to constantly take control.

So I choose to keep hoping, I choose to grow in faith and I choose to believe, that God is already providing a stream in the desert for me. He has been faithful to take me this far. He won’t let go off my hand now.

Be encouraged and fix your focus on Abba, my Father, your Father. As you believe God with me, I’m believing God with you.

Blessings. Peace.

Happy 2019 !’ ❤️

Confessions, Thoughts

The Uncertainties of the Soon to be College Graduate

Posted on November 21, 2018November 21, 2018 by kim_kimm

The closer I get to graduation day the more apprehensive I become. Knowing gives me power, it’s the ability for me to construct my own perfect narrative. Uncertainty reveals my vulnerability, it’s where I am most fearful.

I place my life in a God whom I believe but cannot see. It’s more than trusting Him for the sun to come up in the morning, for which I’ve become accustomed to. For now, I must believe, that whether I reach the pinnacle of contentment with the life I’ve imagined for myself, or I suffer as Job, I will be okay; safe, under the shelter of His wings.

Blessings. Peace.

Her Poetry

Brielle – Haiku 04

Posted on February 26, 2018 by kim_kimm

footprints spark dull paths

baby girl steps like bold queens

waves kiss tiny feet

Her Poetry

Haiku 01

Posted on February 26, 2018 by kim_kimm

Moon peaks to say hi

Bees bumble bye in silence

Nighttime has arrived

Thoughts

The Crazy Life of a Christian

Posted on December 22, 2017June 18, 2018 by kim_kimm

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me

Gal 2:20

This must be the craziest scripture ever written! What do you mean, ‘Crucified with Christ’ Paul? Is that even possible! Why couldn’t I just enjoy the life I have in Christ without having to ‘die’ with Him too. I hate pain! And now your telling me I have to relive that agony?

Uhh, why am I a Christian again? I never signed up for this! This sacrifice, this death, this denial of the flesh, this ‘walk by the Spirit’, this ‘walk by faith‘. Honestly, I think that’s some really intense stuff.

I’m not sure how long I can keep up with this God. How much longer do I have to surrender my desires to you? How many more beauties and smoothness and sharp and handsome, flowers glistening in a ray of sunshine – looking of a guy(s) do I have to ask kindly to ‘move on because I can’t compromise my relationship with God to please you [Heck! To please me too!]’, before God finally sends ‘The One’.

Oh ‘The One’. If there even is ‘one’ (lol), because hey! If that’s not in God’s will for me I can say bye-bye to Mr. ‘I-Do’.

I really appreciate when people speak the truth about there struggles as a Christian. Far too long we’ve been ‘hush-hush’ on our frustrations, our pain and our concerns and it’s definitely not blasphemy to feel this way (ask King David). I laugh to myself when I really think about this Christian walk. It’s definitely not an easy thing (but may the odds be ever in your favor if you can attest to something different), and it’s really not as difficult either (wait, I’m lying).

The thing is, the easy part to this walk is that part where in the midst of the feelings, the tears, the emotions, those butterflies (or that fire that burns down in your soul when the Holy Spirit grips you); it’s easy to surrender. Of course, I understand that everyone is different and the fact that they’ve even made the step to surrendering their lives to Christ is a very BIG DEAL, I’m really stressing on the fact that it’s the commitment that comes afterwards that really gets you thinking

Well, maybe I shouldn’t have done this so quickly 😩

They’re so many people who surrender their lives to Christ one day, but then they fall out of their commitment because they really didn’t grasp the concept of living and walking by the Spirit, staying in His word, and having faith in Him to guide their path. (No condemnation here). It’s not a matter of they didn’t care to walk right (some people really had problems), but some weren’t taught, some didn’t have that spiritual backup, and so they slip and fall and have no idea how to get up.

This Christian walk must be the most difficult test I’ve ever taken in my 20 years of living. I have so much more to learn, so much more wisdom to gain from those around me and I’m forever grateful for those who guide me, yet the point is, this life is like walking on thread across an ocean, trying to get to the other side. You’re frightened out of your entire being, yet you can hear God’s still small voice cheering you on and you can see Him guiding your path. That’s faith.

Trusting God when everything around you gives you absolutely no reason to trust Him.

It’s never easy to deny your human desires. Sometimes waiting on God seems like you’re waiting for an eternity! I’ve gotten to the point in my walk where I’ve said, “God, I don’t even want that anymore”, “I don’t even want to desire that person anymore”.

I’ve seen God pull me out of some great (well to me) situations and place me into places where I’ve wondered, “What exactly am I doing here?” But I’ve learned that there’s always a lesson that God wants to teach me, through any circumstance.

Waiting on His Will takes patience. It takes an understanding of who God is, coming to terms with the fact that He is God and it’s his way that prevails over all things, His way is always best.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt God, they’re days I want to give up, they’re days when I don’t wanna wait, they’re days when my only prayers are tears, or silence. They’re days when I feel like being sucked into a hole and disappearing.

Reevaluating yourself can be tough, but I think we all need to get to that place of self-evaluation. What really do we desire? Is it to find contentment in God? Are we resting in Him, have we made up our minds that we’ll seek after His spirit until death. Will we prefer to deny ourselves, our bodies, our desires to walk with Christ until the end? Or are we willing to walk away the minute we can’t get what we want?

Our ultimate step is to accept Christ into our lives by faith, the next step is to endure by faith.

As His word says

“But the one who endures to the end will be saved” (Matt 24:13)

The Spirit of God is our guide, and He understands our ways, He never condemns, He only corrects and the ultimate reward is when we make it into His Kingdom.

Blessings.